Dead Set (TV series)

Dead Set is a British five part zombie thriller by Charlie Brooker, shown over Halloween on E4.

Episode One

Patrick: 37 minutes to go, minions! [pause] Do you know what a minion is? Don't look offended then.

An aide approaches Patrick with a phone

Patrick: What are you for?

Aide: It's, um, Sophie.

Patrick: [into phone] Tell me you are round the corner.

Sophie: Sorry Patrick, we've had a 'mare; all the main roads were chocka. Carl's trying to work some back-road magic now so...

Patrick: [Interrupting] You were supposed to be here [looks at watch] fuckin' three hours ago.

Patrick: [Watching news report on 'rioting'] Why do people riot anyway? It's not the eighties! They should stay in and watch telly.

Riq: I'm in Arse-end on Tweed trying to get a train home.

Davina: You are live on Channel 4, please do not swear.

Marky: Bollocks!

Patrick: Joplin has literally worn that shirt the whole fucking time. Imagine what that smells like.

Patrick: [Watching Pippa on the monitor] I cannot imagine living next-door to people like that.

Space: Something's wrong. No mics, no alarms and the cameras ain't movin'... Big Brother ain't watching us.

Kelly tells the housemates what's happening

Marky: This is quality. Hammer House of Horseshit.

Kelly: [After smashing a zombie's head into pieces] The head. You gotta get them in the head.

Episode Two

Joplin:This... This is not happening. And if it is, it is not happening to me!

[The housemates see the zombies feasting on the dead]

Marky: Gotta be some terrorist bollocks, they've released some... loony gas.

Space: Loony gas?

Joplin: The government or army must've tested something they shouldn't.

Veronica: What, like GM foods or something?

Patrick: [with a mobile phone] How do you turn this thing on? Fucking robot bollocks.

Pippa: I think we should stay here till the police come.

Patrick: Yeah? maybe you should compile a book of your fucking theories!

Kelly: Give us a fag.

Space: Short supply.

Kelly: You've got sixty hidden under your bed.

Riq:Where'd you get the gun?

Alex:eBay.

Riq: Really?

Pippa: I wish you'd stop huffing, you'll use up all the air.

Patrick: It's not a submarine, you specimen. Do you understand how air works?

Pippa: You've just wasted more air!

Patrick: Do you even understand what is going on here or is the whole world just colours and shapes and the occasional noise in your head?!

Zombie Davina bangs on the door

Patrick: Oh, stay out of it.

Riq:I am surviving, and it's not easy.

Alex: What've you done? You've done nothing.

Riq: I've had a van stolen. I've been chased. I've slept in a garage and been shot at!

Alex: "At"? have you shot anyone? Have you had to do that yet?

Riq: No.

Alex: Have you shot your best friend. Have you done that? Have you pulled the trigger and seen your best friend's head explode? And walked about in a dream with her blood running down your face and in your mouth picking shards of skull from your jumper like cat's teeth? Have you done that?

Riq: No, can't say I have.

Alex: Well don't talk about surviving until you have.

Episode Three

Marky's seen himself on the cover of Heat Magazine

Marky:Whoah, check it out! Front cover of Heat!

He reads the accompanying headlines

Marky: "Rubbish in bed"? what the... "Desperate Fumble"? ... You don't half get a load of shit in that magazine.

Two policemen have stopped Space outside the supermarket

Police1:You're that fella off Big Brother ain't ya? Yeah, it is! [to his colleague] It's that sort-of black one. [To Space] You know you're shorter in real life?

Police2: Well, he's on his knees.

Veronica is showering. Joplin is watching her from the camera runs

Veronica: I know you're there, Joplin. You should have just asked for a quick flash; it being the end of the world and all, I might have felt sorry for you. But you didn't, which is a shame because what you're doing is a bit creepy, isn't it?

Joplin leaves quietly

Patrick: [To Pippa] Glad you applied?

Space: They're gonna keep pouring in from outside if we don't shut the gate, so we might as well do it while we're here. Seize the day and shit.

Kelly: OK.

Kelly and Marky look at Space

Space: Well, I'm the driver, innit?

Joplin: Good old British Public.

Episode Four

Veronica: Why do they keep coming towards the house?

Marky: Glad they do, makes them easier to pick off.

Veronica: Yeah, but why?

Joplin: Some kind of primitive intuition, maybe. They feel the need to be near us. Don't forget, this place was like a church to them.

Marky: Maybe they can smell bullshit.

Patrick is disassembling a lamp so he can use its base as a weapon

Pippa: That's our light machine!

Patrick: It's not a machine, it's a lamp.

Pippa: Well, it lights up the room.

Patrick: Well... (turns off lamp) it's dead now!

Pippa: (disgusted) It's bad for the environment, wasting light.

Patrick: I'm not wasting it, I'm turning it into something else.

Pippa: What, like, recycling?

Patrick: (exasperated) ...if you like.

Patrick is coaching Pippa on his plan to kill the zombie Davina with the lamp base

Patrick: Listen to me. Stand there, you put your hand on the handle... put your hand on the fucking handle!

Pippa: (traumatised, near tears) I don't like it...

Patrick: Shut up and listen. You're gonna open that door, and you are gonna slam it, fucking SLAM IT on her, when she is halfway in. Do you understand what halfway is? Do you understand? Say "yes, I understand"!

Pippa: (still traumatised) Yes!

Patrick Then are you ready?

Pippa: (crying, quiet and high voice) I don't like it...

Patrick: It's either this, or we take it in turns shitting in the bin until we starve to death. Does that appeal? (Pippa shakes head) No? Then are you ready? (shouting) DO NOT FUCK THIS UP, alright?

Patrick has terminated the Zombie Davina

Pippa: My God, you've killed Davina!

Patrick: I hired her, I can do what I like.

The housemates are talking about things that have ended because of the zombie outbreak

Space: Doctor Who.

Marky: Who cares? It's a kids' show.

Space: No it's not.

Marky: It's one thing picking them off from the roof, it's another heading out there.

Patrick: Says the man with the gun to the man with the pointy stick.

Patrick: [over the 'Voice of God' PA system] Whose house d'you think you're standing in, you speck of shit?

Space goes to light a cigarette

Patrick Woah, woah, not in here. I'm trying to give up.

Space lights up anyway

Patrick Take it outside, ya dirty bastard.

Patrick [outlining his escape plan] We'll distract them. We'll bait them away. We'll bait them away from the gates then drive straight through.

Space: Distract them with what? A ball of string?

Patrick: They eat flesh don't they? Right? That's what they eat. We'll give 'em some! [Pointing to Grayson's corpse] There's a man-sized portion of Pedigree Chum lying right there. We'll chop 'em up.

Pippa and Veronica scream in revulsion

Patrick:We'll Chop 'Em Up! Toss the best bits to the fucking ghoulies, they run after that "Munch munch munch, thanks very much." We'll drive straight through.

Veronica:We're not doing that.

Patrick: I didn't say it was gonna be a genteel parlour game you titted fucking idiot, but it's worth a pissing shot!

Patrick is ranting while chopping up Grayson's corpse for bait

Patrick: You should come and help me with this, it's not as bad as it looks. Buncha cowards; I'll do it, I'll fuckin' do it. Lovely, look at that. What's the fuckin' matter with ya? Bloody backwards fucking livestock. Think you've still got a fucking audience? What you gonna do? Fucking sit here, breathing in each others fucking bum-clouds until the sky falls in? Pardon me but I'm a fucking bit more fucking ambitious, thank you very much. If you had to fucking work for a living, instead of trying to do a fucking quick-fix, ay? "Look at me! Look how famous I am! I've been a twat on telly for two months" Maybe you'd know what that means. But no, you want it now. You want it right fucking now. Well come and get it!

Episode Five

Patrick: Are you on a personal mission to redefine ineptitude?

The Housemates are voting on Patricks escape plan

Marky: [Siding with Veronica] I'm staying.

Patrick: Oh, grow some nuts.

Marky: look, it's my decision.

[...]

Patrick:Wake up, Muttley! She only wiped her slit up your thigh for the highlights reel, ya chimp.

Veronica: No I never!

Patrick: You would fuck a fishermans dog if there was a Heat cover in it.

Patrick is trying to convince Joplin to turn against the others

Patrick: They Hate you! They've told me time and time again in that Diary Room.

Joplin: What did they say?

Patrick: You're old, you're a pervert, you're pretensious, you stink, your clothes make you look like a cunt. They have poured insults over you like buckets of cum. Do you know what they call you when you're out of the room? Gollum.